My One Hell Of A Messed Up Life
by whymeandnotyou
Summary: They say your smile is your best accessories. That it can light up anybody's day, people give me lots of smile but they're always sad smiles. Not those that will light up your day but rather those that make you feel small, weak, powerless. Maybe I am powerless over my life, I don't dare tell anybody that because it will just end in more sad smiles. I don't smile. Not anymore."
1. Chapter 1

They say your smile is your best accessories. That it can light up anybody's day, people give me lots of smile but they're always sad smiles. Not those that will light up your day but rather those that make you feel small, weak, powerless. Maybe I am powerless over my life, I don't dare tell anybody that because it will just end in more sad smiles. I don't smile. Not anymore at least, I'd rather keep my emotions bottled up, hidden by an emotionless face.

I live in a small town in Chicago and I seem to be the only thing they talk about. Kids my age and younger make fun of me. I'm a freak to them. They say stuff like; 'Daddy don't like her and Mama don't care.' I have no friends whatsoever, and my step bother is an ass. To be honest in an ass too.

Day by day I'm greeted by memories of what I did to myself. The images of my cutting board arm, and leg. I'll never fit in, never be good enough but that's fine by me. I've been in every psychiatric hospital in my small home town, considering there's only two. I've been in for self-harm, attempt of suicide and attempt of murder. Yah, murder, I tried to kill my step-brother, Al. He started it all in the first place.

_*Flashback*_

"_What the fuck is this Andrew?" I jolt wake to the sound of my mother, Natalie, screaming at my father. Mummy never screams._

"_Genetic testing, I have a son, and he's not yours." My father snaps back. Daddy never snaps back at her._

"_How? Why? How….. I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME, MY DAUGHTER AND MY SON! I thought….. You said-" I can hear the tears and anger in her voice._

"_It was a long time ago, 10 years. I needed more, what you couldn't give me. Being pregnant and all, I don't love you I love her and my son. The divorce papers are on the kitchen table. This family will never be enough." He says. Ten years, that's my age…_

_I get up and walk over to the bathroom that I share with Caleb, my one year older brother. I grab the scissors and begin to cut. It pierces my skin making the spot ooze a crimson liquid, thick and dense. It stings and hurts but I continue and move to my leg. 'This family will never be enough'._

_*End of flashback*_

Ever since then my life just got worse and worse. My parents don't even live in the same country. Mum's a famous actress and dad works in politics. Caleb and I don't live in the same house, he lives with Mum and I live with my dad, my step-mom and step-brother, Al.

For six years I've lived with my father, not once seen my mother but that's all about to change. Turns out my 'dad' thought it would be good for me to go live with my 'mum' in New Zealand for a while. Sound to me like; 'You're a disgrace to this family leave and never come back.' I don't mind, nobody would know who I am, it would be a fresh start. Maybe mum would let me get a tattoo to cover my scars.

I start to pack, I look through my closets making sure to grab only the baggy clothes and my dad's university sweater. I pack all the bathroom essentials and some photos. Photos of me and my dad, when I did smile. Sine I leave for the airport tonight, I bring all my bags down stairs and try not to get the attention of my step-brother but having the hearing he does, he heard.

"Looks like little Trissy is leaving, I wonder why." He says a coy smile on his lips. I pretend I didn't hear him and try to go back upstairs but he grabs my arm, the scared one, and yanks me back.

"What I do is none of your concern, Al." I say through gritted teeth. His hold on my arm get tighter and I yelp. Pain shots through my arm and I bit my lip to keep from crying out. He turns me so I'm facing him and plants a slap on my face. Tears burn in my eyes as he digs is nail into my pale skin.

"You will answer me when I ask you something, bitch." He spits at me, and I try to play cool, even though I want to punch him sooo bad.

"Well, you didn't ask me a question, asshole." I shot back at him hoping he'll leave it alone. He slaps me again and I muster up all my confidence. I throw a punch his way, and hear a satisfying crack. I continue to beat him, using all my anger. I can't get in trouble, I'm leaving tonight.

"Suck on that, you piece of shit." I say, I bring my bag upstairs and take out all of the baggy clothes and replace them with edgy, black and reveling clothes.

About an hour later the taxi pulls up and I rush down stairs and don't bother to say good bye. I put my stuff in the trunk and hop into the cab.

"Where to?" he asks and I smile, this is my new start.

"The airport."

My name is Beatrice Prior and this is my, one hell of a messed up life.


	2. Chapter 2

The airport is crowded with families off to sunny destinations and work-a-holic to business meetings. People on their phones talking about delayed or even canceled flights. Old people, young people, even some babies. People are everywhere and I hate it. The feeling that everyone trying to get to the same place at the same time. It's the worst.

Right now it's 6:00 p.m. and I haven't eaten since lunch. I'm hungry beyond comprehension but have to get everything sorted out first. URGHH, why does everything have to be so complicated? First things first get everything sorted then food, I think to myself.

I wait and wait and wait, in line to get my bags placed in the airplane. Slowly the line starts to disappear and it's my turn. All I can think about is the food and how starving I am. The lady shows me in the general direction of my terminal and proceeds to the next person. As I make my way to the terminal I can smell the Starbucks coffee and subway sandwiches. Mmmmm yum.

*time skip, on the airplane*

The airplane smells of sweat, and feet. Haven't they heard of air freshener, God. I sit alone for a while but then a guy about my age slides into the seat next to mine. I pretend to be so engrossed in my book that I didn't notice him. He's got a big muscly structure but that's all he's got running for him.

"What's a pretty girl like you sitting all alone, no boyfriend?" he asks and I don't even look at him or acknowledge he's there. "Hey! I'm talking to you." He snaps my fingers in my face.

"And I'm not talking to you." I say, my eyes never leaving the paper in front of me. He reaches over and grabs a strand of hair and yanks on it. I don't even flinch. "Look, whoever you are, I don't want to talk to you or anyone for that matter. So could you stop playing with my hair and go away." I rip my eyes from the book and look him in the eye. I can tell he's trying intimidate me, but I shot him a glare grab my bag and walk to the washroom.

The washroom on the airplane is small and smells. I only have a small amount of room to put my makeup. I put on moisturizer, then eyeliner and mascara. I didn't put it on a home because if my dad would have seen he would have gotten so mad. I pull my hair into a ponytail and walk back to my seat.

I plug my head phones into my IPhone and blast Imagine Dragons. When I listen to my music it's as if my life was normal again. It's my escape from the words, the sad smiles and all the reason I shouldn't be alive. Most of my songs on my phone know and speak of what I'm going through. I look out the window and sigh. You're being selfish, I think to myself, people have been through worse than you. Sometimes I have to remind myself that not everyone has a life better than mine. I feel a tap on my shoulder.

"Would you like something to drink?" the stewardess asks, and I realise we are airborne.

"Yes, water please." I say politely.

The rest of my flight is spent reading, listening to music and sleeping. To be honest the plane was quiet and peaceful, so I spent a lot of my time thinking, thinking about how I would greet my mum. Would I jump into her arms, or would I ignore her. What would I do when I saw my brother, would he be the same fun, loving brother or would he have changed, like I did? Would my mum have remarried, would I have a step-sister, or brother? Would my mum even care about me? Would I-

"Excuse me, but the plane just landed, miss." I look up at the stewardess, and fake a smile.

"Thank you." I say and get my stuff in order. I need to get of this crowded plane, it's not that I'm claustrophobic but rather that I don't like crowds. There are too many eyes watching you, as if they were trying to figure you out by peeling away your walls that have obviously been put up for a reason.

I'm like an onion, nobody wants to peel me because of the tears that will be shed. I'm like a nut, nearly impossible to break my shell. I'm a puzzle, except none of the pieces fit together. I don't want to be known as Beatrice, the damaged girl. I want to be known as Tris, the impossible badass and New Zealand is that perfect opportunity. I can be whoever I want to be, only my family will know what happened back in the U.S.

I get up and my favorite song on my IPhone comes on. I smile a real smile, something that I only have memories of doing, something I only dream of doing. I put on an emotionless face. The people I pass give me weird looks and I ignore them. For the first time since my early childhood, I'm not mad or sad but I'm not happy either. I'm stuck in-between. The words of my song fill my head as I walk off the plane.

I keep my head down as I walk out to where everybody waits. My blond hair falls into my eyes._ Be Brave. _ The words ring in my head, so I tie my hair into a mid-ponytail. I lift my head and I see her. She couldn't look happier, I walk up to her.

"Mum?" I ask, this gorgeous woman in front of me.

"Yes, sweetheart." She answers and a tear escapes her hold. She pulls me into a bone crushing hug and tears poor down my cheeks. "You don't even understand how long I've waited for this day to come, you me and your brother." She lets out a shaky laugh, "We can be a family again."


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

On the car ride to my mum's home, we don't talk. It's not an awkward silence but rather comforting. Like she's letting me process everything before jamming my mind with more information. She wears a smile the whole time and I start to wonder how she does it, how she can be so loving even when she's breaking, how she can let everybody in without a second thought.

The silence starts to make me uncomfortable, I've been through every single scenario in my head. I completely processed everything, so then why isn't she talking about Caleb? Why isn't she mentioning if she remarried? Why isn't she telling me anything? I sit there for a while pondering on the thought, trying to figure it out. And then it all makes sense,

She thinks I'll snap, that I'm still delicate. What stories did my dad tell her?

"Mum?" I ask, breaking the thick silence.

"Yes, sweetheart?" She answers, smiling but never taking her eyes off the road.

"Tell me about him, Caleb I mean." I say, watching her face. Her smile disappears and is replace by a look of sadness.

"Caleb, where do I start?"

"Tell me everything."

"Caleb, he never understood why you didn't come with us. He would sit in is room and pretend you were there. He'd ask 'you' questions about the U.S. and your father. 'Your' answers got more and more depressing over the years. At one point he stopped eating and started cutting himself because he thought he could have saved you from your life in the U.S. He had no friends whatsoever, so he found them in books. All he did was read, study.

"In sixth grade, he was an honor student, a genius. By that time he'd stopped talking, making him fail every oral he did. He changed, a lot. He's getting better, he'll eat, and he'll talk. He stopped hurting himself a month ago when he heard you would be living with us. He was ecstatic. For once he put down the book and started having actual conversations with us." She let out a shaky laugh. "He was determined to become the best older brother he could be. For you all for you."

I sit there speechless, my brother, who I thought had forgotten about me, was ecstatic about me coming to his home. I laugh, he did all that because I wasn't with him.

"Caleb has gotten some much better, over the last month. He got his whole life in order, he even has a girlfriend. When we get to the house he'll introduce you to her. Oh, and you might want to change out of those sweatpants and sweatshirt, it's pretty warm." She says her smile back. This is what I wanted to talk about.

"You see mum," I start, "I kind of wanted to get some tattoos on my arm and leg."

"Is it to cover something? Should I be concerned about it?" I inwardly cringe, I should have known I would have to deal with the questions.

"Scars, but I don't do it anymore." I say

"Sure." She says and honestly I'm surprised. I thought she would have told me no.

The rest of the way to my new home is silent. Neither of us talk and I'm thankful for that. So I put my music in and let the words flow throw my body and brain.

"I need more dreams  
And less life  
And I need that dark  
In a little more light  
I cried tears you'll never see  
So f**k you, you can go cry me an ocean  
And leave me be You are what you love  
Not who loves you  
In a world full of the word yes  
I'm here to scream No  
Wherever I go  
Trouble seems to follow  
I only plugged in to save rock and roll Rock and roll  
Wherever I go  
Trouble seems to follow  
I only plugged in to save rock and roll  
Blood brothers in desperation  
An oath of silence  
For the voice of our generation  
How'd it get to be only me?  
Like I'm the last damn kid still kicking  
That still believes  
I will defend the faith  
Going down swinging  
I will save the songs  
That we can't stop singing Oh no we won't go  
Cause we don't know when to quit no (4x)  
You are what you love  
Not who loves you  
In a world full of the word yes  
I'm here to scream Oh no we won't go  
Cause we don't know when to quit no (2x) Oh no we won't go  
(No)  
Cause we don't know when to quit no  
(Wherever I go)  
Oh no we won't go  
(Trouble seems to follow)  
Cause we don't know when to quit no  
(Only plugged in to save rock and roll) (2x)

Mum takes a few turns and pulls into a gated neighbourhood. She continues to drive a few meters in till she stops at a gate and puts in the code and it opens. I stare out the window and take in the scenery. Trees line where the fence is and in the middle of the vast greenery sits a huge willow tree. The branches on the tree are low enough for me to climb on to._ Perfect._ To top it all off there is a humongous brick house, windows form the ceiling to floor in the living room. A grand stair case sits in the middle of it all, luxurious furniture ascent the place. It's gorgeous. Three cars line the front of the house; a blue corvette stingray (2014), a black Lamborghini Murcielago SV and an electric blue Ferrari FF.

"Caleb has already claimed the corvette, so you can choose, either the Lamborghini or Ferrari." Mum says, and I feel so gracious.

"The Ferrari." I've always wanted that car, I can't believe it. This day just keeps getting better.

"OK, but before you go in I want you to know, I um, you have a step-sister." She exclaims in a rush, like she's scared I'll be mad. To be honest, I don't care. As long as she's nice I'm fine.

We get out of the car and Mum gets one of the maids to get my luggage, even though I insist on doing it myself. I walk to the door of my new home, taking a deep breath, I open the door. The thing that happens next is really-how should I say- interesting.

I'm tackled to the ground by a person with brown hair. I was so surprised I screamed. In the back ground people laugh. The person pulls back and I get a good look at them. Brown hair, green eyes, tall and built. Like any normal teen guy. Except that he's a little bit skinnier than most. I know who it is immediately. Even though they've changed so much, I would be able to spot him anywhere.

"Caleb," I breathe, taking all of him in. He smells like a library, like paper and ink.

"Bea." He says and pulls me into another hug. He helps me up and introduces me our crowd.

"Guys, this is my little sis." He stops and looks at me.

"I'm Tris." I say with a new found confidence. Four people stand in front of me.

"Hi! I'm Christina, your step-sister, and this is my boyfriend Will." A tall girl with dark-ish skin and long beautiful hair says and point to a boy with blond hair and celery green eyes.

"Tris, this is my girlfriend…"

**haha, a cliffhanger.**

**I will not be updating the story intill the weekend, because I don't have time to do it any other time so yah. **

**thanks for reading,**

**whymeandnotyou**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Cara." Caleb finished his eyes shining with delight.

I wonder if I could ever find someone who makes me feel like Cara makes Caleb feel. Probably not. I mean who would want a broken and damaged girl as their girlfriend. It would most likely be too much of a burden, so they would dump me like a rock. It's not like I'm worth more than a rock anyway.

Now that I think about it, a few months ago I got out of the latest mental institute, I had a friend there. She understood me. Understood why I did all the things I did. She had the same scars, for different reasons. Her name is Lynn, long black hair, average height, in other words beautiful. I never quite understood why she was there in the first place. In till I knew the truth.

_*flashback*_

"_Why are you here Lynn? I want to hear your story, the whole thing." I never understood why she was. I had to know before she left, they were letting her out earlier than expected. I kind of wanted her to stay, she was the only person I would talk to. It's quite selfish of me but at the moment I could care less._

"_I grew up on a farm, where everybody was nice and nothing bad happened. My parents loved each other, my sister and myself included. In till one night I came home and found the whole farm empty, except my dog Rosie. It was a usual thing that I was left out of their family adventures._

"_I was never really home in time for diner or anything like that. I spent my time with my best friend, Madeline, I had feelings for her, like, I loved her and not in the friend way. That day I had told her and she freaked out. She got all violent and accused me of being a pervert._

"_After the seen I was mad and needed to cool off, so I drove. The headlights off, not paying attention. It was too late when I tried to pull the car out of the way of her. Another car coming for us. I avoided her but hit the car." Lynn tells me, I keep my eyes on her. Not giving her pity, because she doesn't need it. "They died and the third passenger was beat up really badly. Madeline, was the girl I avoided only to kill my parents and badly injure my sister. Not one of my family members will take me in. I'm leaving to go live with my sister, far, far away from the place where I'm known as a murderer." Her cheeks covered in tears, her blue eyes glassy. "The last thing I said to my parents was that I wasn't like them. What kind of 'goodbye' is that?" _

_The next day Lynn's room was empty, ready for the next mentally ill person to walk right in. She was my only friend._

_*End of flashback*_

I wonder if I'll ever see her again. I hope so, she still is my only friend.

I climb the stairs, luggage in hand. To my room at the end of the third floor. The door is open, and the wind blows past me ruffling my hair.

The room is a deep blue colour, the bed sheets black, with a plush grey rug. White curtains hang over the French doors leading to a large balcony. To the right another door which leads to a bathroom, I don't bother to take a look because of the image of myself in the mirror haunts me. On the other side is a walking closet full of black edgy clothing with a sticky note on it.

'_Hope you don't mind I picked your outfits for the first three days of school. oh, and I'll be doing your make-up too. Don't worry you'll love it._

_-Love Christina'_

Great now I've got a personal, stylist.

**Thanks for all the reviews guys. I will post another chapter later today. **

**Yes Lynn, is Lynn from divergent, but before she shaved her head**

**p.s I forgot what she looked like, sorry**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I wake up covered in black bedding. The covers are everywhere and I'm lying on the floor, from the nightmares. The images and laughing faces flash in my bloodshot eyes, from the crying. I learn how to cry silently because Andrew didn't like when I made lots of noise.

The only nice thing that he did for me was in roll me in gymnastics. I was a natural, according to everybody. Andrew and I where the only ones living in our house at that moment in time. I was 12 and by the time they were ready to enroll me into the elite team, Andrew remarried. I had a step-brother and gymnastics seemed so small. I'm pretty sure I can still do most of the routines and moves.

After a while of just lying there, knock sounds on the door. I want to tell them to go away but I made a promise to myself I wouldn't push my family away.

"Come in." I say in monotone. The door opens and my brother sticks his head in the room. a smile plastered on his face.

"You ready to go get some tattoos?" He questions. A smirk comes on my face.

"Hell yah." I say and remove myself from the bed. "But first I need to get dressed."

"Ok, by the way it's warm outside so wear shorts." And just like that he's gone.

The bathroom is big, a large tub sits in the corner, double sinks sit right by the door, and a toilet and a shower in the wall decorate the other side of the room. I open the shower door to find shampoo, conditioner and soap in there already. Turning on the water I undress and hop in.

The water is warm and soothing. It calms my tense muscles and I have to remind myself that I can't =just stand there.

After the shower I change into high-waisted black shorts and a black crop-top that says 'who cares' in blue, pre Christina's demand. I throw on mascara and tie my hair in a ponytail. I slip some ankle shocks and black and white ankle converse. Trying to ease the gothic look out of it.

Downstairs my mum, Caleb, and Christina stand by the door waiting for me.

"You ready to forget Chicago." Mum asks, nice and politely as if nothing's wrong.

"Yah." I breathe. I'm ready to forget the trips to mental institutes. I'm ready to forget the scars, I'm ready to forget Al and everything in between.

I know exactly what I want to get. On my arm I want to get the words 'Be Brave' that fade into birds flying away, and on the back part of my calve a rose vine. Symbolizing that even the most beautiful things can be dangerous. These two tattoos would add to the other one I have. On my collar bone three ravens; One for each member of my family, when I left it, when it all feel apart.

"I heard you already have a tattoo, Tris. Does it hurt, I was thinking of getting one?" Christina asks bringing me back to the real word. I do that a lot, just zone out. It's a habit I guess.

"It burns at first but then it brings itself to a dull throb." I say. I have a stone face on not offering any emotion in my voice, or face. I shrug.

We sit in the car for all of twenty minutes before we pull into a parking lot. Only two other cars sit in the lot, strange.

I open the door to the parlor and head in. I take a deep breath, and walk up to a small Asian woman sitting and the front desk.

"HI there I'm Tori, what can I do for you?" the woman ask politely and then see my mum. A smile takes her face and she comes around and gives mum a hug. Stranger.

"Natalie, it's so good to see you." She turns to us. "You too, Caleb, Christina." Her eyes fall on me. "You must be Beatrice, your mother speaks a lot about you."

"Tris, call me Tris."

Mum and Tori talk for a while. While Tori preps me for the tattoos I told her about.

"Ok Tris, It's going to hurt especially because of…" she trails off but I know what she means.

"I know." I all I say as she begins.


End file.
